Having children is marvellous. A blessing. The greatest thing that will ever happen to you. They fill a hole in your heart that has always been there, just waiting to be made complete by the patter of tiny feet.
However, having children is also likely to make you ill. Almost constantly.
Kids Carry Germs – Lots Of Them
These will generally be germs from other people’s kids, coughed and spluttered directly into the face of your unsuspecting and delightful offspring at nursery.
These germs will be dutifully brought home by your loving little ones and generously shared with you.
After all, sharing is caring.
Kids Make You Tired
Much like the Duracell bunny, kids never stop. They’re pretty much relentless and if you even try to keep up with them you will end up tired. The kind of tiredness that no amount of sleep will fix.
As we all know, if you don’t get enough sleep, you don’t really function!
Not that you’ll get enough sleep to find out whether it would have fixed it, but let’s assume it won’t. Unless you buy a new mattress of course – that seems to cure everything!
Unfortunately buying a new mattress isn’t quite as easy as it sounds. There’s size, material, construction and firmness to consider, among hundreds of other factors! There’s also thousands of brands and styles to choose from many of which you can research online from retailers such as Archers Sleepcentre.
Kids Cause Stress
Be it drawing on your wallpaper, weeing on your new sofa, dropping dinner on your carpet, refusing to sleep or just repeatedly shouting ‘bum bum’, kids can cause a degree of stress. And stress can cause a variety of health issues like extreme tiredness, short-temperedness and feelings of despair!
Not forgetting headaches of course, caused by the noise emanating pretty much constantly from their teeny tiny mouths! And of course the last thing you want to be doing with a throbbing head is spending 3 solid hours eating pretend food in a pretend shop at the whim of your small person!
Soft Tissue Injuries
Little people have flailing limbs. Little flailing limbs, fortunately, but flailing limbs all the same.
You can be sitting on the sofa minding your own business when suddenly a foot will land on your genitals. Or an arm will clatter into your face. Perhaps mid cuddle a tiny head will career into your chin for no obvious reason.
You might even be lucky enough to have a plastic version of Rubble from Paw Patrol fly at your face from across the room.
Overeating / Increased Alcohol Consumption
Whether it’s constantly finishing off leftovers from your little ones’ plates or just comfort eating entire party cakes to help overcome the fatigue / stress / headaches, having a child is likely to increase your waistline.
Then there’s the quick drink in the evening to calm your nerves from the preceding day which somehow turns into 2 bottles of wine and a few glasses of Baileys…
Lack Of Exercise
OK so even if you never actually visited the gym before having kids you can certainly blame the fact that you still don’t visit the gym on having them.
‘There just isn’t the time.’
So there we have it – conclusive proof that having kids makes you fat, constantly ill, lazy and alcohol-dependent. But at least you’ll have someone to look after you in your old age…