Monday, December 2, 2024
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‘Internet Trolls Not That Bright’ Claims Report

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People who spend their time slagging off strangers on the internet are a little bit thick and have small penises a shocking report has claimed.

The study of 100 of the internet’s biggest losers, carried out by leading research company ‘Stating The Obvious’, also found that the ‘trolls’ had a range of other similar traits, including:

1. A minimal grasp of the English language

2. A flagrant disregard for grammar

3. A penchant for being oblivious to basic facts

4. Sweaty hands

5. A belief that their opinions are relevant

We spoke to one troll, known locally as ‘Sweaty, No Friends, Small Dick Tony’ who told us “I started off by shouting ‘bollocks’ at squirrels in my back garden, but after 3 years of doing this the buzz had gone so I needed to try something different.’

Tony, who is 57 and lives at home with his mum, Janice, 72, signed up for an Instagram account and his life changed. ‘Suddenly there were millions of people I could shout abuse at without the risk of someone punching me in the face’. Tony, who types with one finger and goes by the hilarious handle ‘ToneWithABone’ targets pictures of young females with comments such as ‘Nice jugs!’, ‘Sit on this’ and ‘Wanna bone?’

Strangely, despite his looks and charm, Tony is still single. ‘Considering the number of women I’ve messaged with flirty comments and pictures of my genitalia I assumed I would have been knee deep in ladies by now.’

Another troll, Colin, who targets parent bloggers, got into the lifestyle after spending 7 years writing comments on the Daily Mail website. “I hate foreigners, clever people, civil servants, disabled people, gays and people with babies, so I felt right at home in the comments section.” Using the handle ‘BrittishandProwd’ some of his most insightful comments included ‘Well if you luv foriners so much y dont u move there’ and ‘God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve’.

Colin revealed that after 7 years he had almost run out of things to be angry about, so he moved on from the Daily Mail and turned his attention to parent bloggers. “Not only do they write stuff about babies they also get free stuff. I hate babies and I hate writers and I hate people getting free stuff.”

Colin, who lists his education as ‘School of Hard Knocks’ began with classic witticisms such as ‘your blog sucks’, ‘your baby looks like an alien’ and ‘your husband looks like a monkey’.

Although the comments were hilarious in Colin’s mind, unfortunately for him none of the bloggers actually cared too much, and just marked his comments as spam. Colin, whose hobbies include pizza, battle cards, collecting plastic figurines and masturbation is undeterred and has now taken to sending abusive tweets and posting inappropriate and poorly spelt rants on Facebook.

Lead researcher, Billy Bullshit, summed up his findings with the following:

‘Although most people experience jealousy, anger and loneliness, these trolls unfortunately have no friends or social skills to keep them from venting their frustrations and insecurities on strangers. They really are just lonely, uneducated twats, with sweaty hands and small genitalia.’

Our advice to readers is that if you ever receive abusive comments on your blogs, Twitter or Facebook just remember that you must be doing something right to make a lonely, sweaty, tiny-cocked wanker jealous of you!

Keep up the good work…

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32 thoughts on “‘Internet Trolls Not That Bright’ Claims Report”

  • Heehee. Very funny blog.
    I secretly want Colin to come and comment on my blog, would make a difference to have that rather than people trying to sell me cigarettes.
    #chucklemums

    • Thanks! And yes if I have any contact from Colin I’ll send him your way ??

  • Hahaha oh lord I can’t stop laughing! Thanks for the morning giggle James

    • Morning Geraldine!! Glad you enjoyed it, original blogging friend!

  • Loved this. All true, 100% of it. Although I do live with my mum at the moment and I am eternally single, so I hope I’m not going to turn into Tony! #chucklemums

    • If you find yourself sending abusive tweets just ask yourself- “What would Tony do?” Then do the opposite!! Thanks for reading!

  • This is so funny I nearly spat my drink out! The line about Colin spending 7 years writing comments on the Daily Mail website is so funny because it’s true!! Very brilliantly satirical. Fabulous #FridayFrolics

    • If Daily Mail comment reading for 7 years doesn’t turn you a bit weird I’d be impressed!! Thanks for the lovely comment!!

  • HAHAHA…Brilliantly funny. Thank you for sharing this report, now I have a more accurate idea of how to write for trolls so that my posts/ideas would be deemed more inviting. I almost felt sorry for Colin and Tony. #fridayfrolics

    • Trolls are just like us, but slightly sweatier and with smaller genitalia!! Love your comment- thanks!

  • I LOVE this. So funny and very clever. You should send it to the Mail! Anyone who has ever been trolled needs to read this. Thanks so much for linking up to #FridayFrolics

  • Thanks for the giggle…I’m shocked internet trolls aren’t too bright, they seem so, oh who am I kidding, I can’t even finish that seriously. Dropped by from #FridayFrolics and so glad I did. Now following and sharing. Hope this weekend treats you kindly (and with no trolls). 😉

    • Thanks Donna! Really glad you liked it and thanks for the lovely comment!

  • Oh I love this! Bloody brilliant and made me laugh a lot! I had my own lovely troll last week called Johnny H (I suspect he is Colin) who told me to close my legs and get back in the kitchen, and lots of other lovely things. #FridayFrolics

    • Awww how lovely of Johnny H! What a lovely way for him to spend his afternoon!

      Glad you enjoyed it Emma, and see you on Saturday hopefully!

  • Haha – bloody loved this. By allowing trolls we are making the world a happier place. It sounds like you might know these people too well 😉 x #fridayfrolics

    • Glad you liked it! Fortunately I’m far too Z List to attract much unwanted attention!

  • ??? I am actually crying…very funny post! I was actually quite afraid of the Trolls but am reassured by the research and now feel more pity for Colin and Tony. I haven’t yet come across them yet *feels slightly left out* but if I ever do (suppose I have to figure out how to be popular first) will think of this report. You have a talent! #Fridayfrolics

    • Love this comment- thanks!! I do have a talent – I’m just not sure what it is yet!!

  • Oh dear the bit about the daily mail is so true, sad but true! I thoroughly enjoyed the image of our Tone shouting bollocks to squirrels…for some reason that has really tickled me. #chucklmums

  • Got to feel sorry for the squirrels!! Tough life!! Glad you enjoyed it!

  • Haha – love it! So true! Not had ever so many trolls on my blog, but I tend to talk politics a lot on fb so I get them there! Oh the grammar! One of my recent battles ended with me correcting his constant misuse of ‘you’re’ and ‘your’ with something along the lines of: ‘It’s “you’re”, as in “you’re a troll”. “Your” would be for “your attitudes are racist and ignorant”.’

    Thanks so much for joining us for #FridayFrolics. Hope to see you next time.

    • That’ll learn ’em!! Bloody illiterate trolly twats!!

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  • This was just as awesome on second read, James, had to share again so others will be lucky enough to find it, and you. Dropped by from #FridayFrolics and now off to frolic some more! Hope this weekend treats you well. 🙂

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