As promised, here is the second part in our must-read guide to blogging terminology. You can find the first part right here.
And as you may have noticed, alphabetical order is for losers, so let’s crack on with P for…
How many views your blog post has got.
The more you get the happier you’ll be! They will never be enough to make you actually happy though. Especially if, like me, you get half of shit all.
If your page views are shit, declare yourself as ‘niche’ and crack on regardless.
Or you can always buy page views from ‘farms’ in Asia. Assumedly they’ve trained pigs and goats to click on links, or something along those lines. However, it’s worth noting that ABSOLUTELY NO BLOGGER HAS EVER DONE THIS. All page views are entirely genuine. Every single one.
The final option for boosting your page views is just to lie about them. Effectively just add a couple of zeros, tell everyone how great you are and how you’re so surprised at your traffic levels and hope no one notices.
Or if you’re on Blogger just use their own stats, which do pretty much the same thing.
Social Media Algorithms
You may have seen my recent post about social media for bloggers. If not, you really should. It’s very, very useful.
Basically the main social media sites such as Facebook have a big computer that acts like a twat and only shows your post to 6 randomly selected people.
It actually started off as a programming glitch, whereby a work experience person did ‘something’ by mistake which meant that posts are only seen by people who have no interest in them.
The powers that be at Facebook couldn’t work out how to fix the issue, so pretended it was intentional and called it an ‘algorithm’, named after former US Vice President Al Gore. There is no way of beating the algorithm. You are the algorithm’s bitch, and however much you pay it, it will still screw you over whilst pointing at you and laughing maniacally.
The process whereby you can choose to schedule your blog post or social media promotion to go out at a later time. Ideally for a time when you’re asleep or not near a computer so you aren’t able to obsessively check your stats and experience the crushing disappointment all over again.
A way in which you can get strangers to write your blog for you. If you time and plan it properly you may never need to write a post yourself ever again! All you need to do is come up with a topic (doesn’t need to be a new one) and ask people to give you their views on it. You then just copy and paste those views into one post, think up a catchy title and Bob is your mother’s brother.
A bit like shelf stackers being called ‘stock replenishment coordinators’, or cleaners being ‘waste management consultants’, who wants to be a boring old ‘blogger’ or ‘vlogger’ when you can be a shiny,
swanky new ‘influencer’?!
Personally I struggle to influence myself to write a blog post once a month and I certainly struggle to influence anyone to read anything I write. However, given my mum and one person in Ghana read one of my posts last week I have now ordered my new business cards as below:
Similar to ambassadors to the UN, but instead of global travel, special passports and funky number plates you might get a £10 toy to review every few months in exchange for 72 blog posts, 4 social media ‘takeovers’, a feature length YouTube video and the requirement to change your child’s middle name to that of the brand you are representing.
A quick and easy way to destroy the aesthetics of your blog theme by cluttering it up with colourful flashing images and pop-ups so large that your reader will only be able to see 13% of your blog post, in exchange for the potential to earn 4p for every 137 gold bars that you manage to force people to buy through a ‘discreet’ link from your site. A bit like the one below, in fact:
Did you spot it?! I bet you didn’t!! Did you click on it? Did you bollocks!
If you assumed this was a young person’s term for the Missionary Position you’d be wrong. In fact it’s a very complicated blogging photography term whereby you:
And then take a photo of them. Yep. That’s it. Blew my mind when I first learned what it was too!
Beautiful, isn’t it?!
It’s pretty much a page of stats about your blog that haven’t been updated since you made the media pack, coupled with your old logo from 2015 and some pictures of your kids when they were babies. And maybe a unicorn or a rainbow.
It then lists every award you’ve ever won, including the Liebster Award and your 25m swimming badge, and a quote from your mum saying how great your blog is (before she stopped reading because of the swearing).
So there you have it. Hopefully we have covered everything you have ever wanted to know about blogging terminology but were too scared to ask.
However, if by some miracle you have any other burning issue that you don’t feel we’ve quite covered off for you, please let us know in the comments and we will update the post for you. We might even make a part 3!
After all, your happiness and success is our happiness and success…
Much love, fellow global influencers. This time next year we’ll be millionaires.