Thursday, June 20, 2024

Bob Absolutely Loses His S**t

Scene 1

Bob and Wendy are in the park exchanging mildly flirtatious dialogue about how they first met. Bob compliments Wendy on her high pony.

‘There’s something different about you these days, Wendy. I can’t quite put my finger on it though. Maybe it’s the helmet. Maybe it’s the CGI’

In fact, you remind me a bit of the one out of Downton Abbey for some reason. Even your voice sounds familiar’.

‘Funny that, Bob.’

Suddenly Bob’s phone rings…

‘Jesus, Bob why don’t you ever turn that bloody thing off?! Who the hell is it now?’

Bob looks as his phone. ‘Oh joy it’s Chef Twatty!’

‘What does that ginger bell end want this time?!

‘I’m not a bloody mind reader, Wendy!’

Bob answers his phone. ‘Chef Tattie! What a lovely surprise. How can I help you?’

Wendy makes wanker signs in the background.

‘Oh Bob I really need your help. I’m opening a new haggis restaurant tonight and I completely forgot that I haven’t actually built the place yet. Can you get it done in time?’

‘Let me have a word with Wendy’

Bob puts phone on mute. ‘Wendy, can we build it?!’

‘Can we bollocks, Bob!!!! Is that bloke smoking crack or something?!’

‘Hi Chef Tattie. Of course we can help you. We’ll get on to it right away’

 ‘Sometimes, Bob you are a proper twat.’

Scene 2

Bob, Wendy, Chef Tattie, Scoop and Muck are at a disused wasteland. Chef Tattie is giving Bob a rough idea of what he wants. Wendy is apoplectic with rage. Bob is kissing arse as always.

‘What I need is a 3 storey restaurant with a kitchen, seating area, sculptures, a stage, a hot tub, piano, 18 hole golf course and 4000 litre fish tank’

‘No problem. It’ll be done by opening time’

Wendy prods Bob in the arm repeatedly. Bob ignores her. Chef Tattie heads off.

‘A 4000 litre fish tank?! A pissing golf course?! In 7 hours?! Are you shitting me, Bob?!’

‘Better get the plans drawn up and apply for planning permission I guess’ says Bob with a wry smile on his face.

Everyone laughs hysterically.

Scene 3

Bob and Wendy sit drinking whisky from a hip flask whilst 47 Eastern Europeans hastily start work on the restaurant. Scoop, Muck and Lofty carry stuff around and dig stuff up. Usual shit. Some song about working as a team and high fives plays slightly too quietly in the background.

‘It’s lucky those machines drive themselves, Wendy, because I’m pretty hammered.’

Bob strolls over and tightens up one bolt for the cameras. Wendy presses a button and some lights come on. Bob gives the Eastern Europeans a suitcase full of twenties and they rapidly exit.

‘Well done team! It just goes to show what we can all achieve when we really put our minds to it’

Everyone looks at Bob as if he’s the biggest muppet on the planet.

Scene 4

Inexplicably Scoop repeatedly rams one of the walls ‘by mistake’. The entire building collapses. Bob looks up from his JD and Coke in a drunken stupor.

‘What. The. Actual. Fuck!!!! Are you pulling my pisser you useless tin twat?!’

‘I’m sorry Bob it was an accident. I’ll work all night until it’s fixed I promise!’

‘Sorry my arse! Just bugger off Scoop. Seriously. Get out of my sight!! Tomorrow you’re getting scrapped and sold off for spare parts. I will personally smash you into a thousand pieces you idiotic toss piece.’

‘Bit harsh perhaps, Bob?’ chips in Wendy. ‘Maybe we can repair the damage?’

‘Oh yes Wendy I’ll just get my magic wand out. Look at me. I’m Harry fucking Potter in a helmet!’

Bob waves an imaginary wand. Like a twat.

‘Looks like I’ll be spunking another load of money on Tomasz and his pals to get us out of this mess. Go into the building game they said. You’ll make a fortune they said. It’s hard enough making enough money to feed my 4 kids without some poxy talking machine wrecking everything.’

‘You have 4 kids, Bob?!’

‘Yes Wendy. I was a bit of a goer in my youth. What of it?!’

Scene 5

Somehow the restaurant is rebuilt by Tomasz and friends whilst Bob sits around whining like a bitch. In reality it take 3 months to build but fortunately Chef Tattie is too stupid to notice. Chef Tattie returns to the restaurant.

‘Oh Bob you’ve done a wonderful job. I can’t thank you enough’

‘It was no problem Chef Tattie. Happy to help.’

‘As a thank you I will cook you all a free meal tonight!’

‘Come again.’

‘I said I’ll cook you a free dinner, Bob! I’ll even let you have a complimentary ice cream’

‘You mean a free dinner in addition to the £125,000 you had better be paying me for building your swanky new restaurant?! You don’t honestly think I’ve done all that work for some shitty haggis and a bit of raspberry effing ripple do you, you beardy little wankstain?!’

Bob picks up his drill and wrench and moves menacingly towards Chef Tattie…

The End.

This post was first published here. For more from A Life Just Ordinary click here.

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