It’s that time of year again, just after Hallowe’en, where thoughts turn from spooky masks and bonfires to something more festive and sugary cinnamon tinged…. Yes. My favourite time of year ladies and gentlemen. I am almost feeling SICK with excitement.
A popular thing to see in magazines, sunday supplements and online publications, are gift guides. And I’ve had a brilliant idea *she notes, modestly*. I have come up with an ALTERNATIVE Christmas ideas list for parents. These are ALL things I would pay through the nose for. Every single item on this list is a must-have for parents. And without further ado, I shall introduce the items.
“Calm Waters” Spray
Calm Waters spray comes in three delightful flavours: Bedtime, Bathtime and Mealtimes. It’s a lovely, gently scented spray to use whenever things are starting to get juuusssst a little fraught at those potentially problematic times of the day. Just one little spritz from this clever little chap and those ridiculous tantrums will fizzle away to nothing, leaving a calm and serene time to be had by all. RRP: Don’t care, just bung it in the trolley.
Stop The Fight Lipbalm
A cheeky little stocking filler, this clever lipbalm, once slathered on the crusty lips of your dearly beloved offspring will immediately pacify even the fiestiest of performances! No more hair-pulling, eye-gouging, nail-digging, face-scramming, head-punching scraps between little snotty-nosed Clarabell and spitty-faced Tarquin! They’ll be a thing of the past with this superb little nub! Gender neutral colour to abate the fussy little so and so’s. RRP: OMG where have you been all my life?
School Run Sweeping Brush
An utter essential for all parents of school aged children. Just pluck the little blighters fresh from their pit and pop them in front of this fabulous brush. One big sweep out the door and they will be fully clothed, watered and fed ready for the school run. Bonus upgrade for the monstrously disorganised amongst us: a nifty little attachment will also pack lunches, find dog-eared homework, miscellaneous costumes, sign permission slips and remember the ten thousandth request for some charitable cause. RRP: Hell to the yes. We’ll take the upgrade, STAT.
Guilt-Free Babysitter Voucher
How about an evening of guilt free childcare for his n hers / hers n hers / his n his pleasure? This amazing voucher will allow you to have an evening unfettered by the worry of returning the favour, sticking to weird terms, early curfews or even the dreaded small talk upon your sozzled return as you struggle to remain upright and sober at the end of your fantastic guilt free night out. The voucher will enable the babysitter to simply evaporate the minute you arrive home, allowing you to collapse face first into your bed with no worries that you’ve said something inappropriate to the poor bugger. Again. RRP: I’ll take all you’ve got and I’ll buy the business.
Lastly but by no means least, the most hallowed of all wishes for parents this Christmas….
Gift Card for 8 Hours Sleep
A gift card which entitles the proprietor to a solid, uninterrupted 8 hours of gorgeous, plump, sweet as chocolate sleep! No bed sharing, no snoring, no screaming kids, no overly amourous/needy pets, no expectations of half arsed fumble. Just sweet, sweet sleep. Upgrade to the deluxe 10 hour edition exclusive for parents of infernal, nocturnal creatures. RRP: Priceless.
So there we have it. A collection of the most sought after presents for all parents this Christmas. See your local dealer for stock levels. I imagine these will sell like hot cakes! Happy shopping!
For a video version of the post have a look below!
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