What a wonderful time of year.
The excitement of Christmas has been replaced by the apathy of January approaching.
Rolls of wrapping paper have been replaced by newly acquired rolls of fat.
Stuffing the turkey has been replaced by stuffing your face with tubes of Pringles and leftover buffet food.
Leaving a small tipple for Santa has been replaced with necking bottles of Baileys through a straw.
Keeping the house spotless for festive visitors has been replaced by filling it with so much plastic shite that there could be literally anything living under there.
It’s also a wonderful time of year because you get the chance to set yourself up for failure and feelings of self loathing by setting yourself unrealistic goals for the new year! Woo.
Here are some of my parenting new year’s resolutions for the new year that I might actually be able to stick to. You might like to use them as inspiration if you are also the parent of a pre-schooler:
1. Limit Joshua’s time watching CBeebies
This year we will click over to Nick Jr, Cartoonito and Disney Jr more often to break things up a bit.
2. Spend less time lying like a dying sloth on the living room sofa whilst Joshua entertains himself
This year we have invested in a sofa for the family room so I can split my time between both sofas.
3. Reduce Joshua’s intake of junk food
This year I will eat more of Joshua’s junk food for him.
4. Hate soft play less
This year I will stop going to soft play. Or turn up drunk.
5. Reduce the time Joshua spends playing games and watching videos on my phone
This year Joshua had an Amazon Fire for Christmas. He can use that instead of my phone so it doesn’t interrupt my Twitter use as much.
6. Finish Joshua’s play room at last
This year I’ll embrace modern design more and declare the unplastered walls and hanging cables as being design features. Therefore the room is now officially finished. Once the sofa arrives.
7. Help Joshua spend more time out of the house
This year Joshua will be starting school.
8. Work with Joshua so he stops saying ‘bum bum’ and ‘poo’ at random intervals
This year I will teach Joshua ‘cock’, ‘bell end’ and ‘arse’ instead.
9. Spend less time on social media
This year I will stop using Twitter on the toilet and will use that time to blog more instead.
10. Drink less Jim Beam so I’m more alert when playing Rescue Bots at 6am
This year I will switch to Jack Daniels.
There we go. Some of those new year’s resolutions are pretty tough ones but I promise to give them all a good go. After all, Joshua is only going to be young once so I need to make the most of it.
Happy New Year everyone. I’d love to hear your own new year’s resolutions!
Before you go you might want to check out my buddy Fran’s ones from last year!