I’ll set the scene: It’s a sweltering summer’s day. I’m wearing track pants under my nightie, I’ve got yesterday’s make up still on, Mabel has already shit her pants twice (it’s only midday), I’ve spilt my cuppa on the couch, and I’m such a lazy bitch I’ve squeezed Lana’s 11kg butt into Mabels 4-8kgs nappies because I didn’t want to go upstairs to get more of her size.
Here’s a small collection of things that grates my cheese and rustles my jimmies. (Normally I’m unphased by these motherhood hardships, but today the Teletubbies can go fuck themselves!)
- Washing! Having an empty laundry basket is the best five seconds of my week. I don’t know how the washing accumulates in such mass.. but it does, and rather quickly.
- Dressing my 18 month toddler is one of the most difficult things ever, right next to swallowing a knife while rubbing your belly and patting your head. I feel like Steve Irwin trying to wrangle myself a crocodile. ‘Come here, lemme dress you. I don’t think this is funny.. why are you crying now?’
- Making eye contact with your baby when it’s on the verge of drifting asleep. Dangerous. They will sense your excitement and abort mission. If they smile at you more then twice, you know that they’re no longer interested in sleep, you’ve fucked up, and gotta start again.
- When you want some alone time and finally get some when both babes are asleep, then 20 minutes into ‘feet on the dining table and a naughty cookie’ you begin to miss them. So you sneak into Lana’s room to view her gorgeous face but accidentally step on Pugsely, the interactive pug, you see her head rising, so you run out of her room and regret missing her.
- Remember when you wanted to go somewhere you just went? Just jumped in the car and go? And you didn’t have to go through an hour of prep work. Yup.
- When daddy takes the bin out (thank you) but doesn’t put in a new bin bag and mummy doesn’t realise until it’s well and truely too late. (Thank you retracted)
- If I need to go to the bathroom, the whole team comes too. This becomes such a stock standard event that it’s weirdly peaceful not having an audience.
- You know it’s a bad diaper when you’ve got to use more then 3 wipes. Jesus.. Where are the wipes? (Don’t bother asking your toddler to get wipes from another room for you, she’ll take 5 minutes and return with 3 headbands and has taken her nappy off)
This post was first published here. For more from Thorny Lullaby click here or check out some of the recent posts below!
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