Thursday, June 20, 2024

Nursery Report vs Mum Report – @MumMalarkey

Miss O goes to nursery two days a week, and she absolutely loves it. We both found it a bit tough when she first started, but now she runs in every morning without so much as a backwards glance in my direction (heartless little creature)…

At the end of each day, I get sent a little report on what she’s been up to, which seems to be fairly standard practice these days. Does anybody else read these and worry that they’ve mixed your child up with another, less feral, classmate?

Here are some examples, with my ‘mum report’ extracts for comparison (thank God we don’t actually have to submit one of these; I’d have OFSTED banging on my door within the week!):


Nursery“O loved looking at different story books with Miss A, pointing at the different pictures, feeling the textures and changing pages one by one.”

Home: O insisted on reading ‘Mr Fox has Lost his Socks’ 35 fun-filled times this morning, which made mummy wonder how Mr Fox would fair without other, more vital appendages…O also enjoyed ripping the flaps out of the book one by one, which should really speed up the sock-finding process next time around…


Nursery“O loved engaging with the wooden and metal heuristics toys, and attempting to correctly place hoops on the sticks.”

Home: O adored jamming mummy’s wooden spoon into the DVD player; mummy was much less keen on this. Mummy said a bad word when the frying pan O was wielding engaged with her kneecap. O had a complete shit-fit when the round shape refused to fit through the square hole in her shape sorter. She also thinks mummy is an arsehole for not being able to bend the laws of physics and make this possible. Mummy has put the shape sorter in a ‘safe place’ whilst everyone calms down…

Nursery lunchtime –

Favours lunch

Nursery lunch

(As an aside here, bloody hell!! This looks SO much more appealing than my lunchbox –  do you think they deliver??)

Lunchtime with me –

11:30AM – THE END OF TIME: healthy lunch option that mummy has put her blood, sweat and tears into making – eaten sweet FA!!

12:00PM: mummy gives up and falls back on that old favourite, 50 shades of beige, adding some fruit that she knows Miss O won’t eat just to make herself feel better…




This is the bit that really gets my goat. Somehow, those magical nursery pixies manage to get 10+ under 2’s to all lie down on mats AT THE SAME TIME and just go to sleep! For hours!! What the actual f*ck?? Are they all so full after their Michelin-starred, perfectly balanced lunch that they just have to sleep it off immediately? I’ve only got one to worry about and I’m still driving her aimlessly around the village every lunchtime singing Postman Pat until she finally gives in…

Music time

Nursery: “O enjoyed playing with the musical instruments at group time this afternoon, smiling and babbling away.”

Home: Mummy put a wash on this afternoon, and was rather bemused to find that it was jangling. O watched her tambourine go round and round in the washing machine, smiling and babbling away, as mummy stomped off to call Daddy and ask him to visit the off license on his way home…

End of the day

Nursery:  O was picked up by her father, J.

Home: O was picked up by her mother and thrown at her father the minute he set foot inside the door. Mummy ran towards the wine as fast as her tired legs could carry her, (which was not very, considering the whole frying pan assault incident earlier)…

Would it be weird if I asked Miss A to come on holiday with us? I think it might be a bit more relaxing if we take the child she gets to look after every day…

This post was first published here. For more from Pass The Wine Please click here or check out some of the recent posts below!

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