Just over a year ago my family life was rocked by the news that CBeebies was in danger of being cancelled. It’s fair to say I wept and then penned this ode to the electronic babysitter we all hold dear detailing exactly why CBeebies cannot ever never be taken away:
1. Hangover survival. ‘Oh look why don’t you watch Mr Tumble while I dry heave into the kitchen sink?’
2. The Postman Pat Gets Stuck episode is defo worth the licence fee on its own, if only for this actually hilarious double entendre of a scene:
3. I just don’t think enough research has been done into how the hell Chris Jarvis can look EXACTLY the same as he did when he started on kids’ TV over twenty years ago and remain as perky and full of joy as he does. You can keep your star technology, patented advanced serum crap; I want the Jarvis anti-aging cream.
4. Mr Bloom. And, I’m reliably informed by the Husband, Rebecca Keatley.
5. I need to know what Topsy and Tim’s mum and dad* call their new baby. Also will they breast or bottle feed? Will she answer the door to the window cleaner with a boob hanging out? Will they ever put the washing away that’s been hanging on the clothes’ horse in their living room for the last 6 months? These are all important questions that I need answering.
6. It teaches the Child morals that I’m just not sure I’m capable of modelling.
7. They show a ‘day of the week’ song which is handy for keeping track of things. I can’t remember the number of times I was on maternity leave and the song would come on and I was like ‘shit I forgot it was Monday, better put the bins out’.
8. There are no adverts. The only thing CBeebies has ever sold to the Child is jam on toast for breakfast and I’m ok with that.
9. Everything always turns out fine. Before the Child I used to turn to The Archers for my ‘isn’t the world actually rather lovely’ fix but now that’s gone all a bit ‘whoops I’ve stabbed someone in my kitchen’ I’ve turned to CBeebies for the warm fuzzy feeling. I mean Hey Duggee always ends with a hug – what’s not to feel warm and fuzzy about?
10. Mr Bloom. Oh sorry did I already mention him? I can’t think why. Ah well he deserves two spots as he is rather spesh.
*look at me pretending I don’t know their names are Joy and Brian when I am totally obsessed with their perfectly chaotic lives
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