Hell On Earth: Halloween Then & Now

Halloween in the olden days used to be a piece of piss. And by the ‘olden days’ I mean the days before Joshua, or ‘BJ’ if you will.

Now of course there are a lot more things to think about. Here are some of those things:

Trick Or Treaters

Before Joshua

Buy lots of sugary things, wait for neighbourhood or family children to rock up at your door and hand over aforementioned sugary things. The only challenging thing I can remember about Halloween when I lived at home was trying to work out which fancy-dressed trick or treater was actually my aunt, given she isn’t particularly tall! Hi Anne!

After Joshua

These days it’s a minefield.

1. First up, living in your own house ramps the pressure up significantly. How much stuff do you buy? Will anyone actually turn up? Where do you park your cars to stop some dick head teenager throwing things at them?!

2. Is it still the done thing to give out sugary shit? Would I want my own little one to collect a bucket full of sugar to devour to the point where’s he’s literally climbing the walls?! Let’s look at the options:

a) Fruit? Healthy but might make you look like a dick in the eyes of the visiting kids! And not grapes as they might choke.

b) Sweets? You look cooler to the children but possibly not so much to the parents!

c) Cold hard cash?! Easy, good for all parties, but a teeny tiny bit like begging!

3. If dressed up teenagers come to your door what do you do with them? Surely you don’t give them sweets? Do you just tell them to piss off and hang out in the park with White Lightening like normal teenagers?!

4. Am I too grown up to just turn the lights off and pretend we’re not home if someone comes knocking? And if we do that will someone spread excrement on our windows?

5. Do you need to give allergy warnings when you hand out sweets now?! ‘I know you’re a scary monster but this sweet does contain traces of nuts so please be careful’

Fancy Dress

Before Joshua

The only concern was what you would wear if you got invited to a Halloween party. Some half-arsed effort was normally fine. Maybe a white shirt with a splattering of costume blood / ketchup down the front and a set of fake teeth. The hardest part was generally the fact that the teeth tasted rank.

After Joshua

Now it’s all about Joshua’s costume(s).

What does he need to wear to school? At nursery last year he knocked it out of the park with a fetching Ghost Busters outfit, but that came after a lot of searching. The year before we stuck him in a pumpkin costume and he was persistently livid about it.

It can’t be too hot or he’ll take it off. It can’t be too cold or he’ll have to wear a coat over it. It can’t be too itchy. Or scratchy. It can’t be too restrictive or he’ll take it off. It can’t (as we learnt from 2016) be orange as he’ll complain that we’ve dressed him in a Sainsbury’s carrier bag and rip it off.

Then does he need a daytime outfit and evening outfit? It’s. A. Minefield.

Scary Decorations

Before Joshua

The scarier the better, especially if you were hosting a party. Severed heads, giant spiders, eyeballs, animatronic ghouls making spooky noises. The full works.

After Joshua

It’s an awkward age for ascertaining the appropriate level of fright to inflict.

Pumpkins and tea lights are pretty safe, of course, but Joshua isn’t a fan of spiders so they’re best avoided. Ghosts are fun when he is pretending to be one, but not so fun if he ‘sees one’ himself. We went on a ghost train today and it’s fair to say he wasn’t a massive fan of things jumping out at him, so anything unexpected isn’t ideal.

Joshua also isn’t a big fan of people in costumes. He’s ‘expressed displeasure’ in the past when faced with a fake Chase from Paw Patrol and a dad dressed up as Spiderman so the signs aren’t promising.

I think we’re going for the safe, enjoyable option. Buy excessive sweets just in case, visit a couple of family-members pre-6pm, watch the X Factor with the lights off, hope no one comes knocking and then eat all the sweets on Monday.

Happy Halloween…

This post is part of the all new, terribly-exciting Write Club which is hosted over at the wonderful You Have To Laugh.

For more views on Halloween before and after kids click on the badge above or check out some of the other people who took part like my blogging buddies Me, Annie Bee, The Incidental Parent, The Mum Conundrum  Tonic & Tiaras and Mom Of Two Little Girls,