Buying & Selling Online: Cracking The Secret Code

I’ve been buying and selling online for a while now so felt that it would be a good time to share some of my expertise with you all. If you work as hard as I have, one day you too could get constant grief from whining strangers trying to return stuff for no good reason and have a house piled up with shit that doesn’t work. Excited? Read on…

Key Phrases Translated

There are some common phrases that you’ll stumble across when buying and selling online on popular sites such as eBay, Facebook Marketplace and Sphock. From my years of experience here is what they all mean, in layman’s terms:

Some signs of light wear and tear – Absolutely battered

Untested – Tested and doesn’t work

Genuinely Untested – More life in a dead beaver

Slight issue, probably an easy fix – Spent hours trying to fix it, made it much worse, more chance of bringing life back into a severed head

Rare – As common as a turd in a toilet

Rug has some light staining – Has been used to dump a body

Will be securely packaged – I’ll stick it in a Lidl bag for life and hope for the best

Need gone ASAP – My dad doesn’t know I’m selling it and he’s home from work at 6

Would make ideal Christmas present – Palm it off on someone you don’t like

Looking for a quick sale – Nicked it from PC World and worried Police might pop by soon

Upcycled – I dyed it, then covered it in glitter, now it looks shit and I can’t bear looking at it

From a pet and smoke free home – My dog smokes a pipe and my budgie likes the occasional spliff

Unique / Bespoke – Made one, looked shit and no one wanted it, so didn’t make any more

Vintage – Bought it for profit from a charity shop

Been in the family for years – Bought it from Cash Converters yesterday

Your going luv these, there grate – You’re going to love these, they’re great

Extremely well looked after – Found it in the garage behind some spanners in a chewed cardboard box covered in rat’s piss

Collector’s item – No normal person would want it

Contact me before buying – Scam

Bank transfer only – Scam

Only selling as I was bought two as a gift – Scam

Only selling as lost receipt – Scam

This is not a scam – Scam

Hopefully these tips will help you separate the chaff from the slightly less chaffy chaff on online selling sites.

Now go out there and smash it. Literally, because most of the stuff you buy on there will be fit for nothing else…

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