Buying & Selling Online: Cracking The Secret Code
I’ve been buying and selling online for a while now so felt that it would be a good time to share some of my expertise with you all. If you work as hard as I have, one day you too could get constant grief from whining strangers trying to return stuff for no good reason and have a house piled up with shit that doesn’t work. Excited? Read on…
Key Phrases Translated
There are some common phrases that you’ll stumble across when buying and selling online on popular sites such as eBay, Facebook Marketplace and Sphock. From my years of experience here is what they all mean, in layman’s terms:
Some signs of light wear and tear – Absolutely battered
Untested – Tested and doesn’t work
Genuinely Untested – More life in a dead beaver
Slight issue, probably an easy fix – Spent hours trying to fix it, made it much worse, more chance of bringing life back into a severed head
Rare – As common as a turd in a toilet
Rug has some light staining – Has been used to dump a body
Will be securely packaged – I’ll stick it in a Lidl bag for life and hope for the best
Need gone ASAP – My dad doesn’t know I’m selling it and he’s home from work at 6
Would make ideal Christmas present – Palm it off on someone you don’t like
Looking for a quick sale – Nicked it from PC World and worried Police might pop by soon
Upcycled – I dyed it, then covered it in glitter, now it looks shit and I can’t bear looking at it
From a pet and smoke free home – My dog smokes a pipe and my budgie likes the occasional spliff
Unique / Bespoke – Made one, looked shit and no one wanted it, so didn’t make any more
Vintage – Bought it for profit from a charity shop
Been in the family for years – Bought it from Cash Converters yesterday
Your going luv these, there grate – You’re going to love these, they’re great
Extremely well looked after – Found it in the garage behind some spanners in a chewed cardboard box covered in rat’s piss
Collector’s item – No normal person would want it
Contact me before buying – Scam
Bank transfer only – Scam
Only selling as I was bought two as a gift – Scam
Only selling as lost receipt – Scam
This is not a scam – Scam
Hopefully these tips will help you separate the chaff from the slightly less chaffy chaff on online selling sites.
Now go out there and smash it. Literally, because most of the stuff you buy on there will be fit for nothing else…