Thursday, May 23, 2024

Uh, Potty Time?

Crunch time:     It’s here.

There comes an age where the little human you created realises that sitting in its own filth isn’t actually a pleasant experience. Then, stage two approaches with turmoil: Potty training.

So, here we are, having a whale of a time, teaching little Lana how to recognise her bowel movements before it’s too late.

Boy, I geared up for this phrase like I was heading into battle: Peg on nose wielding a sword of carpet cleaner, mummy’s strongest perfume, and the patience of a sloth.

It began a few months ago when Lana would release a tea spoon of urine into her nappy which she would then proceed to take off. Mummy would strap on a fresh disposable and exactly four minutes later she would again release a few droplets of pee and throw her nappy away.  The number of nappies we went through were mountainous. Not to mention every time you turned around Lana would be completely naked. I’m talking birthday suit naked.

The first few days Lana would sit on the toilet/ potty and go through a million emotions because she ‘couldn’t do it’. She would get angry and yell then cry. ‘I just can’t do it, mummy, I can’t do it’.

It was a long process teaching this little fucker. How many times would I ask if she needed to do a poop, her being certain she didn’t and then shitting her diaper as soon as I put it back on? Too many times to count.

Now, thankfully, she knows when she needs to go to the toilet, and she just goes.

It’s still not a walk in the park.

Last night Lana got out of bed at least 7 times. One time was because she wanted to wear a headband? Another was because she couldn’t find her bunny within her sheets; But the queen of excuses was at 3am when she stated she needed to use the potty and spent 35minutes fucking around on the toilet, without actually doing anything.

We still haven’t successfully conquered potty training; she still spends the majority of the day running around without clothes on and she still wears a nappy to bed most nights (depends on how much she’s drunk.)

I am confident none-the-less with humour as my medicine, I can ignore the odd shit stain I come across on my carpet, and be supportive of toilet-using Lana.

My 5 potty training tips (THAT ACTUALLY WORK / HELP) are as follows:

1) Celebrate.

Seriously, throw a potty party in the bathroom. You gotta be really, really damn excited about it when she does successfully act on an urge IN the toilet. High fives all round – you get a high five! YOU GET A HIGH FIVE. Motivation.

Lana thinks being able to flush the toilet after she does a poop is incentive enough (Roll with it), the wooshing sound it makes is the cherry on top of a successful dump.

Transcript of conversation:
Mummy: YES! You did it!

Lana. I did a poo! Do you see it?
Mummy: I see it! Wow. Impressive.
Lana *Yells*: Daddy, do you see it?
*Goes to find daddy, brings him upstairs, shows him the poop that has magically appeared it the toilet*

Daddy: WOOHOO! You did it. Would you like a sticker?

2. Watch and learn.

Yup, that’s right. As a mumma, I’m sure your little babe joins you in the bathroom 9 times outta 10 anyway. Monkey see – monkey do. Bring them in, tell them what you’re doing, etcetera. (We set up a potty next to the upstairs bathroom so sometimes we LITERALLY go the toilet together 🙃)  I’m sure you all can relate to the below GIFs.


 3. Naked time.

Get ready for it. I find it’s easier when Lana is naked & then when she needs to go wee she can run off by herself and do it. She identifies her urge and understands she needs to go NOW. Or, she wees herself and will soon connect the two together. Be prepared for accidents.  (When they need to go, they need to go, they can only hold it for 15 seconds MAX).

4. Patience.

They’ll get there. Don’t stress. When they’re ready it’ll just click. Seriously, just like a light bulb. Some stages are quicker or longer; either way, everyone is different. Potty training can take up to a year – especially when the parents are ready to only wipe their own ass but the babe doesn’t quite agree. All good things comes to those who wait..

5. Make it fun.

Not too fun they get distracted from the work they’re supposed to be doing – but fun as an incentive. That going to the potty is actually beneficial for all parties involved. Oh, does Bunny want to come? I’m sure Bunny will be super proud of you.  Bring books to read or a pretend phone to chat on.

(One time Lana was on the phone to her Gammy when she, well, just had to go. She went and sat herself on the toilet and I could hear her telling Gammy all about what she was doing.)

This post was first published here on one of our favourite Australian blogs Thorny Lullaby. For more of the same follow any of the links scattered around the gaff – you won’t regret it.

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