Toddler TV Mysteries

Given I now spend a small (95% at most) percentage of my life watching toddler TV, it was only natural that at some stage I would start to over-analyse them in the same way that I over-analyse other televisual treats aimed at those with limited brain development. Like Neighbours and reality TV programmes.

So I thought I’d spend a few minutes of my Friday evening looking at some of the minor oddities that make me temporarily wake up from the sofa and think ‘WHY?!?!?!’ So here we go…

Blaze & The Monster Machines

Why does Blaze need a driver when none of the other cars do?! Does he actually do anything drivery or just sit there like a bell randomly shouting things like an American sports fan in a whiney accent?

Peppa Pig

Why do the ducks not talk like all the other animals?! Why do all the animals have such skinny arms and legs?! Why are their eyes only on one side of their heads?! What is the ‘good cause’ that Mrs Rabbit always says that the money is going towards when she sells things?!¬†Are English split infinitives a form of irregular verb or past pronoun?! What is the aim of the computer game Happy Mrs Chicken?!

Dora The Explorer

Why does Dora have such large pupils?! Boots has normal eyes. The Map has normal eyes. Even the pissing rucksack has normal eyes! So why does Dora look like she’s been munching cannabis cake all night?! And why all the staring?! SO MUCH STARING!! I’m not standing naked in the living room building a papier mache goat Dora so STOP STARING AT ME!!!

Paw Patrol

Who makes all the graphics on the fancy TV screen in the Look Out when a case comes in?! Ryder turns the screen on and the graphics are just there!! Yes the dogs talk etc but that’s a minor detail compared to the screen graphics!! Oh and the kit. Who pays for all the kit?! At least with Knight Rider there was a millionaire backer to fund the pretty low spec 80s car. But who funds Ryder?! It can’t be the chicken-loving mayor surely?! Where’s the back story? Oh and the Mayor’s handbag must be absolutely caked in chicken shit.

Shimmer & Shine

How is Leah so forgiving and so persistently perky?! Shimmer, and indeed Shine are both horribly incompetent to the point of being wilfully negligent. But Leah always lets it slide and stays permanently perky. Do girls like this actually exist?! Similar to Dora though, Leah does have narcotic eyes, so that might help explain her relaxed attitude. Big fan of the songs though – very Pussy Cat Dolls, although without the vertical leg lifts.

In The Night Garden

Just what the actual f**k?! I know it’s meant to be the bizarre dreams of a child but what kind of crack-addled whack job would dream that shit up?! If your toddler is dreaming this stuff up, seek help. Quickly. Jesus wept. Oh and why does the middle Tombliboo have such jerky arm movements when dancing compared to the other two?!

Bubble Guppies

Why is Molly so tuneless when she sings?! She’s the main character (and I do really like her hair) but she can’t sing for toffee. Is it part of the plot somehow?!

Thomas & Friends

Where has the proper theme music gone from the 80s?! What is that ‘they’re 2, they’re 4, they’re 6, they’re 8’ bollocks?! 2, 4, 6 or 8 what?! What happened to 1, 3, 5 and 7?!

Ben & Holly’s Little Kingdom

Do Nanny Plum and the Wise Old Elf have romantic history?! There must have been some under the cover action at some stage, surely?! At the very least 1st Base!! And when does the jelly stop being produced during a jelly flood?! Is there a finite amount of jelly or a finite time period for jelly release?! Big fan of Nanny Plum though. I think we’d be good pals in another life.

Fireman Sam

Why do things in Pontypandy set alight so easily? Is the whole place permanently doused in petrol or something? And why is Norman Price not in some kind of facility like Pontypandy Young Offender’s? He’s a pyromaniac menace and shouldn’t be allowed on the streets, especially given the propensity for the whole town to catch fire at the drop of a hat.

Anyway, I think I’ll stop there before you start thinking I’m an obsessively pedantic, hyper-critical toddler TV addict. I am, obvs, but I wouldn’t want you thinking it…

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21 thoughts on “Toddler TV Mysteries

  • August 13, 2016 at 7:47 am
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    Haha the whole eyes-on-the-side-of-the-head thing with Peppa has bothered me for ages. It makes Peppa Pig toys look weird because their eyes are actually in the right place!

    Here’s another one: why do the eldest kids have names that rhyme with their breed (and of course, why are their surnames their breed?) but the younger siblings just have random names like George Pig?

    Why does Rebecca Rabbit live in a burrow, but Peppa doesn’t live in a pigsty?

    Why don’t Peppa’s parents ever just get fed up of her annoying smartassery and tell her to SHUT THE HELL UP?!?

    I could go on, but I won’t lol.

    • August 13, 2016 at 8:16 am
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      Oh yes indeed Peppa Pig is full of mystery and assumingly deliberate inconsistencies!! There must be a reason why George starts with a ‘G’ but no idea what it is ?? Thanks for reading and commenting!!

  • August 14, 2016 at 7:21 am
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    First off – hey take back that comment about Neighbours! I love it!

    And yeah toddler TVs gets me as well. I’m willing to let the Paw Patrol nonsensical stuff slide because we love it but Peppa? What an annoying brat she is!

    And don’t get me started on this new fangled Thomas! Where’s the music (yes I can still him it now – 30 years on!) and the Scouse accent?!

    #KCACOLS

  • August 14, 2016 at 7:45 am
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    Great post ????
    I was thinking those same things as well, I tend to leave the room when the television is on, but on the rare occasion I’m in I wonder why the males on Peppa and Ben and Holly are so incredibly dumb ?

  • August 14, 2016 at 4:52 pm
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    Ah so many unanswered questions! And to think these programmes should be educational and help develop children’s minds. Maybe they want the children to ask these questions!
    Amusing post, thanks.
    Amanda #kcacols

  • August 14, 2016 at 6:03 pm
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    hahaha! Very funny! ‘where’s the back story?” really cracked me up! #KCACOLS

  • August 14, 2016 at 9:12 pm
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    You had me lmfao about Dora and her cannabis cakes. We only watch a few of these shows but what a great way of entertaining yourself – by watching the shows and actually thinking about them! I am usually just scrolling, scrolling through my phone. Going to pay more attention now. #KCACOLS

  • August 15, 2016 at 2:02 am
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    I’ve wondered about where Ryder gets his money before also, but just assumed that his never seen parents must be super rich superheros and just throw him cash to keep him busy. Maybe he’s Iron Man’s illegitimate son or something. #KCACOLS

    • August 15, 2016 at 3:39 pm
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      Good thinking!! Hopefully they’ll write it into the series at some stage!!

  • August 15, 2016 at 9:54 pm
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    Haha! I am not looking forward to toddler TV! I wonder if my desire to have 5 minutes peace will outweigh my hatred for it! #kcacols

  • August 16, 2016 at 11:09 am
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    We love Paw Patrol! Sorry but cannot stand Peppa Pig! We watch a lot of the Disney Jr progrmmes xx

    Thanks so much for linking up at #KCACOLS. Hope you come back again next Sunday

  • August 17, 2016 at 9:39 pm
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    Ha ha! I didn’t even think about why Blaze needs a driver, as for Dora don’t get me started on her! I could also happily strangle daddy pig and his expertise! #kcacols

    • August 17, 2016 at 11:19 pm
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      I wonder if I’d hate Dora less if it was UK dubbed?! It’s just the voice and the cheerfulness and the staring is all too much!!

      • August 27, 2016 at 7:30 am
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        She’s been up all night doing lines of coke

  • August 17, 2016 at 9:52 pm
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    Hahaha ah sh1t James I will never watch these the same way again! You have ruined toddler tv for me! Jesus wept ūüėÄ #kcacols

    • August 17, 2016 at 11:18 pm
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      Happy to help! Dora does get on my tits – I’m sure she’s lovely in person but on screen she drives me mad ??

  • August 19, 2016 at 8:13 am
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    I have asked myself the same questions about some of these programs, you can’t help but ask questions when that’s all you watch lol! Great post…I needed a giggle this morning. #FridayFrolics

  • August 19, 2016 at 10:47 am
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    I demand that you demand an answer from each of these shows producers. You are spot on with every query and us Moms, we need to know! Dora, Pepa, ugh! Dive deeper here — I’m sensing a documentary. #FridayFrolics

  • August 19, 2016 at 1:55 pm
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    Glad I’m not alone in thinking too much about kids TV. I’m sure Fireman Sam wasn’t ginger when we were kids. But now he is it makes me question whether Naughty Norman is in fact his secret love child. Thanks for linking up to #FridayFrolics

  • August 25, 2016 at 1:17 am
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    Haha! I did a post of questions I have about kids’ TV too & I also had why are the eyes on the same side in Peppa Pig! & I have MANY questions about In the Night Garden! I am so pleased that I have never seen or heard of Bubble Guppies! Just the title makes me ask WTF!

    Thanks so much for joining #FridayFrolics. Hope to see you next time

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