There aren’t a lot of things I do really well, but one strength I do have is that I am excellent at holding a grudge. I can quietly harbour resentment behind a sweet smile for years before BAM it hits you right on the chops. And it’s not any different for my daughter, oh she may think I’ve forgotten the sleepless nights and the temper tantrums but I’m just biding my time. You see for some it tastes sweet, for others it is a dish best served cold but for me, revenge is going to be served up in 2066 when I make my monthly visit to see the Child as an 81 year old. Then it’s payback time and it will be done in ten very specific ways.
- Randomly punching her in the ear and when she gets mad telling her I love her.
- Insisting she hold me whilst simultaneously shouting “don’t touch me”.
- Shitting myself. Repeatedly. Sometimes in the bath.
- Waking her up at 4am, screaming in her face for an hour before vomiting and passing out.
- Choosing a really rubbish film and making her watch it every day for three weeks.
- Pronouncing ‘fork’ like ‘fuck’ and screaming “I wanna fork” every time we leave the John Lewis café.
- Asking her what’s she doing every five seconds.
- Fixating on the one time she broke something of mine and telling everyone and anyone about it over and over again for at least six months/ six years/ until I die.
- Telling women in changing rooms that I like their boobies whilst trying to honk them.
- Painting her cat yellow.
Time is running out dear daughter – 49 years and counting…
and_another_ten_things Exploring the funnier side of parenting and life in lists of ten
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