What They Don’t Tell You About Parenting!

There are lots of things you can read about becoming a parent in lovely, glossy paperbacks. Some bits can even be a little bit useful.

However, there are infinitely more things that you only learn once your little one has taken over entered your life. And who better to reveal these nuggets of wisdom than actual sleep-deprived and barely alive parents?!

We asked lots of awesome parents to reveal their own pearls of wisdom to help would be parents. Here are those pearls, via the medium of the trusty A to Z format!

A IS FOR:

Alone time is over, sleeping, personal and toilet time it’s all classed as you and toddler time 🙂
www.daddygiraffe21.com

Arguing. The amount of times I’ve had to negotiate a truce between two stubborn boys is amazing, especially during the school holidays! I should definately apply for a UN position with my negotiation and persuasive tactics…..just need to have a steady supply of cookies to hand! www.nelc3.com

B IS FOR:

Boobnastics…if you do go down the breastfeeding route no one tells you how much fun and how exhausting it can be to feed a baby that can move and stand…whilst feeding! www.twoheartsoneroof.com

Bad hair days. Seriously, why did no one warn me about this unruly baby hair? And the fact that washing my hair is now a luxury? And the fact that babies love pulling hair so even if I get a rare chance to do something nice with it it never lasts. http://rhymingmum.com

C IS FOR:

Crap! Your house becomes overrun with crap. First of all of baby crap (one muslin cloth is not enough when you could have a hundred) and then the plastic toy crap. So much that you can’t see your floor anymore or shut any cupboard doors. It’s sodding everywhere https://islandliving365.com

Crapper. No one tells you if you need to drop the kids off at the pool and the kids are with you, they either need to sit on your lap or a little rocket man seat. http://www.corporatedad.co.uk

D IS FOR:

Dirt… in the car, trailed across the carpet, in their mouth. Before I became a parent I thought dirt was primarily found outdoors – turns out that was a misconception! www.livinglifeourway.com

E IS FOR:

Explosions! No one told me the extent of a nappy explosion! www.withlovezoe.com

F IS FOR:

Farts – no one told me that you would genuinely have to question who farted when it was in fact the baby! They’re louder than some adults. https://www.isablog.co.uk

Fluids – you will be covered in a variety of fluids from your baby and you’ll even add a few of your own too…. very attractive :/ http://wittyhoots.com

G IS FOR:

Google…..no one told me that every time they get a spot or rash or do something odd you go straight to Google
www.justaveragejen.com

H IS FOR:

Haemorrhoids are the most painful thing you’ll experience and the one thing NO ONE discusses! Who knew something so small could be so painful. rockandrollpussycat.co.uk

I IS FOR:

Injuries. They may be tiny but they really hurt. Whether they are swinging from your hair, seemingly trying to gauge your eye out of its socket, or biting your nipple, you will be sporting some kind of baby / kid related injury for ever more. https://lifeloveanddirtydishes.com

J IS FOR:

Judgement. From the moment a baby makes its entrance through a natural or man-made orifice you will apparently be judged on it. Strap in, you’re in it for the long haul. Everything you do will be judged and the best thing you can do is be comfortable in your own decisions and not give a fuck. www.whingewhingewine.co.uk

K IS FOR:

Knackered. Nice easy one that. If you enjoy surviving on virtually no sleep for at least 5 years you’ll love parenthood! www.alifejustordinary.com

L IS FOR:

Lansinoh. No one told me that that would become something that I would rely on more heavily then a toddler mum relies on bribery! https://pinkpearbear.com

M IS FOR:

Mess no matter how often you clear up there’s always an escapee toy! www.amumdoingherbest.com

N IS FOR:

Nappy roulette. The game you play with your other half. Rather than checking baby has poo’d by smelling. You have to put your finger in the nappy through the gap where their leg is… Pooey finger? You lose! www.propertyparent.org

Netflix. Best babysitter known to man. Home to sanity savers. Your recommended shows are NEVER going to be the same after your toddler gets at your account. www.badmammy.com

O IS FOR:

Opposite – Cos kids will do just about everything bar what you tell or ask them to do!! www.southernmummy.co.uk

P IS FOR:

Poo! The announcement your daughter will make loudly in a packed restaurant! www.thesmallestofthings.com

Q IS FOR:

Quiet. If it’s quiet it’s either asleep or causing trouble. And if it’s not naptime then there is probably flour all over your kitchen. http://queerlittlefamily.co.uk

Quit because you can’t, not this job. I have tried but nobody takes any notice. Www.libertyonthelighterside.com

R IS FOR:

Relentless. Everything about it. They just never stop (bloody love them but jeeeez) no one told me it doesn’t stop, no matter what the age/ stage. www.sineadlatham.com

S IS FOR:

Sniff. They don’t tell you that you’ll find it perfectly normal to pick up a child and sniff their ass in public. www.daddypoppins.com

Sex – or the LACK of it! Ironic that babies come into this world because of it; then leave you no chance for more of it!!! talesfrommamaville.com

T IS FOR:

Terrible 2s. Closely followed by 3nagers. And then 4nados. In fact every age from 0 to 17 is fraught with danger for the unsuspecting parent! www.alifejustordinary.com

U IS FOR:

Unwanted guests. Not only nits but those family members who don’t give a shit for 364 days then expect the red carpet when they rock up uninvited at Christmas! www.meanniebee.com

V IS FOR:

Vomit – the kind that requires you to just get into the shower fully clothed and hose everyone down. www.mebecomingmum.co.uk

W IS FOR:

Wee. At some point in your parenting journey every part of your body will have likely been covered in their wee! https://daddilife.com

Wriggly water baby. No-one tells you how you’re supposed to get a wriggling baby into swimwear and then what to do with the baby while you get changed  www.wemadeawish.co.uk

Watch what you say. Do not call your toddler a fatty bum bum if you don’t want to get hit on the arse to “faaaaataaaay bum bum!” every time you get out the shower. http://www.thisismenow.co.uk

‘Why?’ Not as in ‘Why did I have kids’ but the bombardment of ‘whys’ that my kids fire at me on an hourly basis. ‘Why can’t I have ice cream for breakfast?’ ‘Why can’t I get inside that rubbish bin?’ ‘Why are you running away really fast, Daddy?’ So many ‘whys’, so few satisfactory answers. http://www.baddadu.com

X IS FOR:

Xylophone. It’s always for xylophone. What kid who’s other vocabulary is Apple, Ball, Cat etc. Is going to be able to say Xylophone? www.daddypoppins.com

Y IS FOR:

YouTube, no one tells you that YouTube will think you love ‘Baby Shark’ and ‘Daddy Finger’ and recommend several different versions of each. On the hour. Ever hour. Like ‘shit songs rolling news’. www.daddypoppins.com

Z IS FOR:

Zzzzzz….. you will never sleep properly again. Even if your child “sleeps through” you’ll be awake every hour to check they’re breathing ok/not too hot/ not too cold. Exhaustion is a permanent state! www.confessionworkingmum.com

Zero – the amount of times you will get to pee alone for the next 6 years. http://bumpsandroundabouts.com

So there you have it. Hopefully that helpful guide to parenthood has got you nicely prepared for the future.

Honestly though it’s not that bad.

Not even a little bit. No, no, no.

Seriously. It’s great…

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