http://www.youhavetolaugh.com Thu, 19 Oct 2017 22:44:40 +0000 en-GB hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=4.8.2 https://i2.wp.com/www.youhavetolaugh.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/cropped-Button.png?fit=32%2C32 http://www.youhavetolaugh.com 32 32 120012935 Want to Win X Factor? Got a Good Sob Story? Bingo! http://www.youhavetolaugh.com/x-factor-importance-good-sob-story/ http://www.youhavetolaugh.com/x-factor-importance-good-sob-story/#comments Thu, 19 Oct 2017 12:20:39 +0000 http://www.youhavetolaugh.com/?p=2826

As I watched X Factor tonight with my other half we discussed the importance of having a good back story.

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As I watched X Factor tonight with my other half we discussed the importance of having a good back story.

If you don’t have a decent, tear-jerking back story there’s pretty much no point in auditioning. Some of my favourite X Factor back stories are:

1. My grandparents have been so supportive, I’m doing it for them

So you’re saying that you’re trying to become a pop star to impress your grandparents?! Implying that actually you don’t really want the fame and fortune yourself but you just want to make them happy – as if they have spent their last 20 years hoping and praying that their grandchild would become a pop star. Then follows the obligatory appearance of the aforementioned grandparent in the audience wearing a T Shirt with the contestant’s face on it. Then a trip to the grandparents’ house. Then something about the war. In reality the poor nan would probably much rather be down the bingo drinking a nice G&T than hauling herself up to London every Saturday night and having a film crew setting up in her gaff.

2. I just want to do this to improve my life and my family’s lives

Yes, that’s all good but then we have to sit through dimly lit video footage of council flats and caravan parks with rats running past just to show how bad they have it. ‘This is the room where I live with my 17 siblings and that is the hole in the floor because we can’t afford a toilet, and that is the large bucket of porridge that we all eat for dinner because we can’t afford food. And we all have cholera, and my brother is still recovering from rickets, and my sister has just recovered from the bubonic plague and my mum gets a burning sensation when she goes for a wee.’

3. I come from a small village just outside Tinyville in the middle of nowhere and things like this just don’t happen to people like me

Except of course they do happen to people like you, because at least 3 contestants trot out that tripe every year. ‘I’m just Lucy from Lanarkshire. I’m just sooooooooooo ordinary. I’m doing this for all the ordinary people out there. Me, me, me, me, me. Ordinary, ordinary, ordinary, ordinary.’

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4. I’m going through a really tough time at the moment. I’ve just heard that the goldfish that my aunt’s milkman had in 2012 has been off his food and they don’t know if he’s going to survive

Leading to films of the goldfish and the contestant breaking down in tears at opportune moments, and a newspaper article about goldfish. All filmed in black and white with a piano playing in harmonious discord in the background.

5. I NEEEEEEEEED this. It’s all I know how to do. It’s all I’ve ever thought about

Although the contestant is only 16 and is still at school, their entire lives have allegedly been dedicated to music. They went to a dance class once. Watched MTV a few times. Went to a Little Mix concert. Tweeted Justin Bieber.  Your life will not end just because Louis Walsh doesn’t compare you to a young Tina Turner. Suck it up and crack on.

6. I just CAN’T go back to my day job. It just doesn’t make me happy

Accompanied by a soft focus video of ASDA and a mock shift in the checkout, just to illustrate the abject misery of working a normal job. Those normal jobs like the rest of us do.

7. I have a baby and I just really want to give him / her a better life

So to achieve that noble objective you have decided to aim for a place on a live TV show where you have to live in a contestant house without aforementioned baby for 3 months?! To ultimately seek out a career where you will spend your time touring the country and hardly ever be at home. Where your baby will grow up being filmed and photographed at every opportunity. Top plan.

8. I’ve auditioned 7 times before and I really think this might be my last chance

Perhaps take the hint and stop bothering? If each rejection sent you into a ‘really bad place‘ and it’s taken ‘everything you have‘ to come back again maybe just DON’T BOTHER!

 

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A Helpful Guide To Blogging Terminology: Part 2 http://www.youhavetolaugh.com/helpful-guide-blogging-terminology-part-2/ http://www.youhavetolaugh.com/helpful-guide-blogging-terminology-part-2/#comments Thu, 19 Oct 2017 07:08:26 +0000 http://www.youhavetolaugh.com/?p=2932

As promised, here is the second part in our must-read guide to blogging terminology. You can find the first part

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As promised, here is the second part in our must-read guide to blogging terminology. You can find the first part right here.

And as you may have noticed, alphabetical order is for losers, so let’s crack on with P for…

Page Views

How many views your blog post has got.

Obvs.

The more you get the happier you’ll be! They will never be enough to make you actually happy though. Especially if, like me, you get half of shit all.

If your page views are shit, declare yourself as ‘niche’ and crack on regardless.

Or you can always buy page views from ‘farms’ in Asia. Assumedly they’ve trained pigs and goats to click on links, or something along those lines. However, it’s worth noting that ABSOLUTELY NO BLOGGER HAS EVER DONE THIS. All page views are entirely genuine. Every single one.

The final option for boosting your page views is just to lie about them. Effectively just add a couple of zeros, tell everyone how great you are and how you’re so surprised at your traffic levels and hope no one notices.

Or if you’re on Blogger just use their own stats, which do pretty much the same thing.

Social Media Algorithms

You may have seen my recent post about social media for bloggers. If not, you really should. It’s very, very useful.

Basically the main social media sites such as Facebook have a big computer that acts like a twat and only shows your post to 6 randomly selected people.

It actually started off as a programming glitch, whereby a work experience person did ‘something’ by mistake which meant that posts are only seen by people who have no interest in them.

The powers that be at Facebook couldn’t work out how to fix the issue, so pretended it was intentional and called it an ‘algorithm’, named after former US Vice President Al Gore. There is no way of beating the algorithm. You are the algorithm’s bitch, and however much you pay it, it will still screw you over whilst pointing at you and laughing maniacally.

Scheduling

The process whereby you can choose to schedule your blog post or social media promotion to go out at a later time. Ideally for a time when you’re asleep or not near a computer so you aren’t able to obsessively check your stats and experience the crushing disappointment all over again.

Crowdsourcing

A way in which you can get strangers to write your blog for you. If you time and plan it properly you may never need to write a post yourself ever again! All you need to do is come up with a topic (doesn’t need to be a new one) and ask people to give you their views on it. You then just copy and paste those views into one post, think up a catchy title and Bob is your mother’s brother.

Influencers

A bit like shelf stackers being called ‘stock replenishment coordinators’, or cleaners being ‘waste management consultants’, who wants to be a boring old ‘blogger’ or ‘vlogger’ when you can be a shiny, swanky new ‘influencer’?!

Personally I struggle to influence myself to write a blog post once a month and I certainly struggle to influence anyone to read anything I write. However, given my mum and one person in Ghana read one of my posts last week I have now ordered my new business cards as below:

Catchy, eh?!

Brand Ambassadors

Similar to ambassadors to the UN, but instead of global travel, special passports and funky number plates you might get a £10 toy to review every few months in exchange for 72 blog posts, 4 social media ‘takeovers’, a feature length YouTube video and the requirement to change your child’s middle name to that of the brand you are representing.

Affiliate Marketing

A quick and easy way to destroy the aesthetics of your blog theme by cluttering it up with colourful flashing images and pop-ups so large that your reader will only be able to see 13% of your blog post, in exchange for the potential to earn 4p for every 137 gold bars that you manage to force people to buy through a ‘discreet’ link from your site. A bit like the one below, in fact:

Did you spot it?! I bet you didn’t!! Did you click on it? Did you bollocks!

Flat Lay

If you assumed this was a young person’s term for the Missionary Position you’d be wrong. In fact it’s a very complicated blogging photography term whereby you:

Lay.

Things.

Flat.

And then take a photo of them. Yep. That’s it. Blew my mind when I first learned what it was too!

Beautiful, isn’t it?!

Media Pack

It’s pretty much a page of stats about your blog that haven’t been updated since you made the media pack, coupled with your old logo from 2015 and some pictures of your kids when they were babies. And maybe a unicorn or a rainbow.

It then lists every award you’ve ever won, including the Liebster Award and your 25m swimming badge, and a quote from your mum saying how great your blog is (before she stopped reading because of the swearing).

So there you have it. Hopefully we have covered everything you have ever wanted to know about blogging terminology but were too scared to ask.

However, if by some miracle you have any other burning issue that you don’t feel we’ve quite covered off for you, please let us know in the comments and we will update the post for you. We might even make a part 3!

After all, your happiness and success is our happiness and success…

Much love, fellow global influencers. This time next year we’ll be millionaires.

Bringing up Georgia

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Dear Bladder… http://www.youhavetolaugh.com/dear-bladder/ http://www.youhavetolaugh.com/dear-bladder/#respond Wed, 18 Oct 2017 16:46:11 +0000 http://www.youhavetolaugh.com/?p=2983

DEAR BLADDER… I’d like to take my body back, Relinquish your control. To pick the times I want to pee,

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DEAR BLADDER…

I’d like to take my body back,
Relinquish your control.
To pick the times I want to pee,
Well, that’s my desperate goal.

You seem to choose the worst of times
To make your presence known.
Dancing, sneezing, laughing and
Wet pants will send me home.

Stop waiting ‘til I’m at the door,
With tights pulled up in place.
Then quickly make me yank them down
With very little grace.

Get fit at 50 I’ve been told,
Oh please don’t make me laugh!
Aerobics made her wet herself’
Will be my epitaph.

Yoga causes constant drips
And cycling wets the seat.
And when they see me at the gym
They fetch the plastic sheet!

I must absorb the water when
I’m in the swimming pool.
You make me leak the whole way home;
That really is quite cruel.

The times I’ve had too much to drink,
You send the dreaded drip.
Then make me clench and shuffle walk:
Crossed legs and swivelling hips.

The worst is rushing to the loo;
I’ve left it far too late.
I’m through the door, the bowl’s in sight
And clearly you can’t wait –

You seem to think I don’t need time
To get my knickers off.
No chance to even take a seat,
God help me if I cough!

So bladder dearest, pack it in
I’ve really had enough.
Your help’s not needed anymore
You don’t agree? Well tough!

I think it’s best that I decide
The times I need to go.
I don’t need you to tell me when –
I’M SURE I’LL BLOODY KNOW!

This pisstastic poem was first published here! For more from Midlife Dramas In Pyjamas click any of the images below (unless you’re on Facebook on your mobile!)

Midlife Dramas in Pyjamas A BITE-SIZED, HUMOROUS VIEW OF MIDDLE AGE...

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Mother Appeals For Help In The Search For Missing Teenage Son’s PE Bag http://www.youhavetolaugh.com/mother-appeals-help-search-missing-teenage-sons-pe-bag/ http://www.youhavetolaugh.com/mother-appeals-help-search-missing-teenage-sons-pe-bag/#respond Tue, 17 Oct 2017 17:45:58 +0000 http://www.youhavetolaugh.com/?p=2970

A TEENAGE BOY simply can’t understand why his PE Bag keeps disappearing his mum revealed today. Mr & Mrs R.

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A TEENAGE BOY simply can’t understand why his PE Bag keeps disappearing his mum revealed today.

Mr & Mrs R. U. Kidding’s Son’s PE Bag complete with school shoes, trousers, shirt, tie and brand spanking new PE Kit remained missing as night fell yesterday.

The un-named 14-year-old teenage boy, through no fault of his own, has once again lost his PE Bag.

The missing bag, was last seen on the floor in the Gym.  However, distracted and chatting to a mate upon leaving it’s unclear at this point whether he had his bag on him or not.

A source close to the family said “it’s not the first time this has happened, its only 4 weeks into the term and its happened again”.  There is a missing something nearly every term, and the majority involve his own fault,” he said.

CHAIN OF EVENTS

The bag was only discovered missing the other morning.

Totally convinced but with absolutely no clue at all, the un-named teen said it was in the house somewhere.  When ‘somewhere’ failed to turn the bag up he had a lightbulb moment and said actually it was definitely in the car.

Not wanting to hinder the search in any way, he remained seated on his arse eating his breakfast while the search continued.

With the bag not in the car either, the un-named teen appeared strangely shocked when informed.

According to his mum, who is an excellent finder-of-things, this is not the first bag he has lost.

In fact since starting school he has had 3 bags go missing, none of which have been his fault and countless pairs of PE socks.

“Its worrying to think there is an unknown entity randomly taking PE bags” she said.

When asked where HE has actually looked he said, “I’ve checked the space between my feet, twice and a radius of 0.00 km outside the space between my feet”.

STILL MISSING

After a second day of searching, Mr R. U. Kidding returned to the last place his son had it on that fatal day.  All to no avail.

“Unfortunately, my bloody crystal ball wasn’t working that day” said Mrs R. U. Kidding “otherwise I would have known to double check he had it when he got in the car”.

She goes on to recall “He was waiting for me at the bus stop, as he couldn’t be bothered to walk.  It’s not an excuse, but a bloody bus appeared from nowhere and I shouted at him to move his arse quickly into the car.

It always happens doesn’t it, the minute you pull in to stop, a bloody bus like traffic wardens appear from nowhere right up behind you, with the driver telling you to piss off out of the space”.

With rolling eyes her son sighed, adding: “Exactly, I had to rush and you should have checked.  You don’t understand”, he told our reporter “I’m tormented daily by mum repeatedly nagging me to make sure I have my bag, I’ve told her not to keep on.

Already this morning she’s nagged me at least 15 times and again in the car on the way to school I’ve had to put my earphones in to drown out the nagging”.

“I guess what I’m trying to say is she needs to chill out,  it’s not as if I do it on purpose”.

Appreciating her sons sense of humour she laughs shaking her head.

He adds: ‘I am a big appreciator of my parent’s reminders, but mornings are fraught enough with finding the gel for my hair, spraying myself liberally with Lynx Africa and catching up with all my messages”

“After all I’m not the only one who loses bags, everyone does”.

EVERYONE WHO IS NO-ONE

His mother responded, “Who’s everyone?” with no response she continued “It’s about time something was done, clearly these boys aren’t losing their kits, no-sir-reeeeeee clearly someone is helping themselves to them as soon as their backs are turned”.

“It’s such a lottery tossing it in the classroom without a second thought and walking off.  Will it, won’t it be there when they return”.

“This is the danger when I’m not around to do his thinking for him”, things go missing.

Mrs R. U. Kidding appreciates though, that there are boys out there who have been clever enough not to turn their back on their kits.

Mrs. Knott-Mine was asked if her son ever had his kit ‘taken’ she said, “gosh no, he’s responsible and thinks” laughing smugly.

Mr Will E. Learn scoffed “how does she put up with it? there is NO way I would have this”.

Mrs R. U. Kidding hopes this is the last time it happens, but like with all things she lives in hope and dies in despair she adds.

Mrs R. U. Kidding would like to point out that fortunately her son is in no way traumatised by this recent event.  He has no flashbacks or pangs of guilt.  It is after all NOT his fault.

The search for the PE bag(s) continues. They are all of Adidas branding as any old cheap shit will just NOT do.  If you see an extremely pissed off mum in the South East of England searching random places please do not ignore instead an offer to lend a hand in the fruitless search would be appreciated, if only so she can sound off.

 

This post was first published here! For more from Everyone’s Buck Stops Here click on the image or recent posts below. Unless you’re on Facebook on your mobile in which case you can’t!

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The Real Answers To Your Kids’ Endless Questions http://www.youhavetolaugh.com/real-answers-kids-endless-questions/ http://www.youhavetolaugh.com/real-answers-kids-endless-questions/#respond Tue, 17 Oct 2017 15:29:01 +0000 http://www.youhavetolaugh.com/?p=2999

Children like to ask questions.   That’s a good thing. No, seriously, it is. It might not feel like it

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Children like to ask questions.

 

That’s a good thing. No, seriously, it is. It might not feel like it when you’re explaining why the sky is blue for the 40th time, but the curiosity of your children is a positive thing. They’re engaged with the world around them; fresh young minds just waiting to be filled with information; you are a figure of endless knowledge. It’s great. Genuinely.

 

However, we all have our limits, don’t we? That limit is usually around 10 questions, which is why it might alarm you to discover that parents are asked on average 300 questions per day. Three. Hundred. Questions. That bit really isn’t great.

 

Let’s face it: adult life is tough and boring at times. You have to set aside your Netflix binge to look into insurance for those in their 40’s; finally find the time to do that electricity price comparison that everyone is always banging on about being essential. The last thing we need on top of all that boring adult stuff is a litany of questions, some of which you don’t even know the answer to.

 

We’ve all had those moments when we’re pushed to the limit, and we have to bite our tongues to stop ourselves responding with the real answer…

 

Question: “Why is a rock a rock?”

 

Of course, it’s not just rocks, it’s everything. For a child, there is absolutely no way something just is. There has to be a reason for it! And obviously, Mum and Dad are going to know what’s what.

 

The Right Answer: “A rock is a rock because…” [insert long, rambling detail about the different forms of rocks as you finally have the chance to put that geography GCSE to good use]

 

The Wrong (But So Tempting) Answer: “Because… it’s a rock?” [quickly distract them with something more entertaining than parent torture]

 

Question: “Why do I have to go to bed so early?”

 

Ah, bedtimes. They’re a thing. They’re a thing for the health of your child, and not at all because you need a break from all of the questions, just for a little while, please. Kids don’t like bedtimes, so they question it.

 

The Right Answer: “Because you need to be well-rested for school!”

 

The Wrong (But So Tempting) Answer: “Because you’re cranky when you’re tired and ain’t nobody got time for that.”

 

Question: “What happens when you die?”

 

You’re going about your day, enjoying your life, not at all confronting your mortality, and then your child pops up with this zinger. Nice. Thanks, kid.

 

The Right Answer: Dependent on age, you might choose “you go to heaven” or “no one really knows”.

 

The Wrong (But So Tempting) Answer: “I’m just trying to live my best life, kid. No one knows. We are but specks of human dust, travelling on a rock through– no, no, I didn’t mean to bring up rocks again, no it’s… you know what, we all go to heaven. Isn’t it your bedtime?”

 

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Created By Magic: Prints & Gifts With A Personal(ised) Touch! http://www.youhavetolaugh.com/created-magic-prints-gifts-personalised-touch/ http://www.youhavetolaugh.com/created-magic-prints-gifts-personalised-touch/#respond Fri, 13 Oct 2017 18:43:44 +0000 http://www.youhavetolaugh.com/?p=2977

We’ve been having a bit of a redecoration spurt at home recently, not least because of the extension we had

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We’ve been having a bit of a redecoration spurt at home recently, not least because of the extension we had built (but can’t quite afford to get plastered yet!) and the resulting demolition-chic that has been a feature of our downstairs in recent months! It looks a bit like the Industrial Zone on The Crystal Maze, or pretty much any trendy bar built in the past 10 years!

So when Created By Magic offered to send me a personalised print to help adorn one of our oh-so-modern breeze-block walls I jumped at the chance! In fact if they could have sent me another 500 of them it would pretty much eliminate the need for a £2650 plasterer completely! However, the one they did kindly send me was super duper lovely, and looks suspiciously like the picture below:

For those of you that haven’t been married at Wasing Park in Aldermaston in recent years, you probably won’t recognise the image, but I can reassure you that it is indeed the place where we got married way back in 2009 when I was young less old and was about to get drunk on wine for the first time!

Personalised prints of wedding venues is one of the many things that you can find on Created By Magic’s lovely website and out of all the things on offer it was the one I chose because I hadn’t seen it before from other companies. For the personalised wedding prints you simply supply a decent quality photograph of where you got married (or where you would like to pretend to your posh friends that you got married!!) along with your name, the name of the venue and the date you were wed and they do the rest!

My one arrived within a couple of days of ordering which I thought was pretty speedy for something personalised. It would normally sell for £28 but is currently on offer for £23 and for something pretty unique it feels well worth the price.

Created By Magic also offer personalised prints for loads of different occasions, including lots for little ones’ bedrooms with their names or birthdays along with loads of lovely designs, including robots, rockets, hot air balloons and rainbows. They also offer personalised books for children and soft toys, with prices currently starting from as little as £12, so if you fancy picking up something with a personal touch it’s well worth having a look! The person who owns the company also seems genuinely lovely, so if you need another reason to visit their website then let that be it!

Giveaway

The lovely folks at Created By Magic are giving away a personalised print from their website up to the value of £25. Just follow the instructions below to enter our giveaway!

Retweet our pinned post on Twitter and follow @youhave2laugh by midnight on 22nd October 2017 for a chance to win a personalised print valued up to £25 at Created By Magic.

  1. Entrants must retweet and follow @youhave2laugh to be eligible for the giveaway.
  2. You must be following @youhave2laugh until the draw is made to remain eligible for the prize.
  3. By entering the prize draw you are accepting all terms and conditions.
  4. One winner will be drawn by random selection from all complete Retweets & followers logged during the promotional period. No purchase necessary.
  5. The winner will be selected at random on 23rd October. The winner will be contacted by direct message by 24th October.
  6. The prize is non-transferable and there is no cash alternative.
  7. This competition is open to UK residents over the age of 16 only.
  8. Should we be unable to contact the winner, or should the winner be unable to confirm their acceptance of the prize within 3 days of contacting them, we reserve the right to award the prize to an alternative winner.
  9. One entry per valid twitter account. Please do not create multiple accounts in order to enter as this may violate Twitter’s terms of service.
  10. The winner will be announced on our Twitter account and a DM will also be sent.

Good luck everyone!

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A Helpful Guide To Blogging Terminology (Part 1) http://www.youhavetolaugh.com/helpful-guide-blogging-terminology-part-1/ http://www.youhavetolaugh.com/helpful-guide-blogging-terminology-part-1/#comments Thu, 12 Oct 2017 00:56:59 +0000 http://www.youhavetolaugh.com/?p=2910

Following hot on the heels of our super duper guide to social media for bloggers, welcome to our very serious

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Following hot on the heels of our super duper guide to social media for bloggers, welcome to our very serious and hopefully very helpful guide to the wibbly wobbly world of blogging terminology. If you can’t tell your linkies from your pinkies or your algorithm from your arsehole we’re here to help. After all, we’ve all been new once and would hate for you to have to figure all of this stuff out for yourself.

Before diving head first into the wonderful world of blogging we’d never heard of any of the following. Our lives have now been forever enriched by knowledge of:

Domain Authority (DA)

A number from 1 to 100 generated by a company called Moz (a shortened version of mosquito to emphasise how incredibly annoying their ranking system can be when you don’t move up it for months on end!) that takes a wild stab at how far up the Google search rankings you might appear. Probably thought up by someone for a laugh after one too many shots. Updates are published once a month causing wild celebration or wailing and gnashing of teeth depending on whether your DA has gone up or down.

Very loosely the more links you get to your site from other high ranking sites the higher your DA will be. Absolutely irrelevant unless you want companies to throw money at you for putting links on your blog to their product / site.

So, um, actually incredibly relevant, unless you’re doing it purely for the love of blogging (like us!).

However, it’s worth noting that NO BLOGGER HAS EVER SOLD FOLLOW LINKS BECAUSE SELLING FOLLOW LINKS IS BAD.

‘Follow’ Links

Where you put a ‘normal’ link to someone else’s website on your blog. Either because you genuinely like them (organic link) or because someone has waved some money at you and your morals won’t pay for nappies and wine.

Google loves organic follow links. Google hates paid follow links and may be mean to you if you have loads plastered over your blog! It may even stop showing your posts in its search results, so your page views may drop by one or two per year. THE HORROR! If you really overdo it the CEO of Google will personally come to your house and kick your squarely in the crown jewels.

‘No Follow’ Links

What Google wants you to use for links that you’ve been paid to put on your blog so it knows you’re just pretending to like the linked website rather than actually liking it. It’s the equivalent of a giant winky emoji and is achieved by plonking the words REL=NOFOLLOW somewhere in your code.

‘No follow’ links have much less impact on the other site’s DA than follow links hence why brands love follow links (and might spunk more money at you if you risk the wrath of Uncle Google).

Search Engine Optimization (SEO)

Fiddly bits that you can do on your blog to make it allegedly more likely to do well in search results. Things like doing internal and external links to other posts or picking decent keywords or having properly tagged photos. Just what you want to be doing after spending 4 hours pouring your heart and soul into your post.

You can spend hours on this but at the end of the day you can’t polish a turd. If your content is crap no bugger will want to read it!

SEO – You can’t polish a turd. But you can roll it in glitter.

NB: Not to be confused with SEOs (people that email you trying to get you to put follow links to their brands on your blog in exchange for £1.50 and a bag of Turkey Twizzlers).

Keywords

Dull as dishwater. If you’ve written a post about donkeys you can pick the keyword of ‘donkey’. But if a billion websites have used the keyword ‘donkey’ no one will bother scrolling down Google to get to your page unless you have a really high DA. Which you don’t.

But if your post is about two-legged donkeys and you use the ‘long tail’ (more than one word) keyword ‘two-legged donkey’ you could well be near the top of the results page on Google for anyone searching for two-legged donkeys. Quite what weirdo would be searching for two-legged donkeys is another matter entirely, but you get the concept…

Alternatively you can write a post about any old shit and still use the keyword ‘two-legged donkey’ if you’re that keen on tapping into the two-legged donkey enthusiast market.

But bear in mind that two-legged donkey enthusiasts may not take kindly to being driven to a post about engorged breasts or baby-led weaning, so exercise extreme care when using the ‘two-legged donkey’ keyword.

Linkys

A thing where someone can set up a thingy on their website and anyone can then add a post to it. Normally weekly and normally limited to a theme, such as comedy parenting posts.

In exchange for adding your post you then normally have to comment on a certain number of other posts. You’ll then get comments back from other people who have added posts too.

Good for finding new blogs to read. Good for getting more comments on your post. Also good for getting more page views on your post. Not so good if the posts you have to read and comment on are wank.

Or about deer hunting.

Or are really, really not-very-exciting craft posts. Although with those you have the benefit of being able to copy and paste:

‘That looks so cool. I must try that with my toddler’.

Or are really, really not-very-exciting reviews of things. Although with those you have the benefit of being able to copy and paste:

‘That looks cool. I must get that for my toddler’.

Not so good if you enjoy doing other things in your spare time. Like playing with your children. Or eating.

Wasn’t that useful?

If you liked it and think one of your blogging pals would benefit from our stellar advice, why not pin the image above, or share the post on social media?! We’re sure they’ll love you for it…

Get yourself ready for part two, coming to a computer screen near you very soon! It’ll have loads more super useful info for new bloggers and it’s just 7 days away!

R is for Hoppit

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Congratulations! You’re Pregnant & No One Gives A Shit http://www.youhavetolaugh.com/congratulations-youre-pregnant-no-one-gives-shit/ http://www.youhavetolaugh.com/congratulations-youre-pregnant-no-one-gives-shit/#respond Wed, 11 Oct 2017 00:55:49 +0000 http://www.youhavetolaugh.com/?p=2947

You went to the Harvester and finally decided to be a fat knacker and order the chicken and rib combo.

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You went to the Harvester and finally decided to be a fat knacker and order the chicken and rib combo.

BBQ ribs shouldn’t be consumed in public, you knew that but you could no longer fight the urge.

You ordered a large house red.

Standard.

It wasn’t going down. Every mouthful made you wretch a little. Concern crept in.

Your food arrived, you couldn’t stomach it.
The dish you’d been hankering for was sitting there in front of you, uneaten.

Something was amiss.

Two days later you pissed on a stick – two to be precise.

Congratulations, you’re pregnant!

You’re growing a human inside you, this is immense. You want to shout it from the rooftops.

Alas, no one gives a shit.

OK, that’s not entirely true.

Grandparents and close family are thrilled, almost as thrilled as you but that’s about it (and a lot is probably fake).

Your friends are happy for you, really they are. They will ask all the right questions and coo at the grainy black and white image you show them. They will even pretend to think the baby is waving too. But beyond you and baby being healthy, they really couldn’t care less.

Think about it, every friend who has had a baby, you’ve been happy for them but you’re not actually that bothered.

If you’re the first in your group of friends to get pregnant it is exciting for a moment but then everyone starts thinking about themselves.

You’ve made them realise they’re getting old. Life is moving forward.

Your single friends are weeping into their Lambrini, wondering if they’ll ever settle down and have children.

Your couple friends are wondering if their other half is now expecting to make this step toward being a proper grown up too.
That’ll interfere with poker night.

Both groups will swiftly rule you out of social events whether you like it or not.
They won’t consider whether you want to attend, they just won’t invite you. After all, we all remember how dull Fun Bobby was when he stopped drinking in that episode of Friends.

No one will be interested in your swollen breasts, SPD and cankles. It’ll just sound like some strange torture. You might have that ONE weird friend but he probably isn’t interested in your well being, more your boobs.

Friends might feel bad for neglecting your pregnant self. They’ll invite you round for dinner but they’ll forget that in your fragile state you can’t enjoy soft cheese, pate and champagne. You’ll sip water and nibble bread like a martyr.

Someone will politely, and accidentally, ask you a baby question. You’ll grasp it with both hands and talk about nursery colour schemes, Primark maternity leggings and ‘travel systems’.

They’ll slowly glaze over.

The problem is, it’s no easier being the last one pregnant in the group either.

You’ll see the little blue lines and thank your lucky stars that your friends have all had babies. You have a ready made support network. These people will be interested in your cravings and irrational hormones.
They will want to advise on cots, V Pillows and nappies.

After being bored shitless by all of their pregnancy and baby crap it’s finally your turn to shine. You will have a captive audience.

Except you won’t.

They’ve heard all your hilarious pregnancy tales. They did it first.

Eyes will roll when you fret about your mucus plug because it’s not actually that big a deal. Laughter will ripple when you describe your well thought out birth plan (yes, it’s a waste of paper) and adamance at doing it drug free.

They know you’ll take whatever is on offer.

They have their own children now. In fact those very same children are trying to eat discarded chips from the pub floor.
They no longer have the time to listen to anything.

You may feel like the only ever person to have experienced a pregnancy quite like this. They’ve been there, done that and got the snot covered t-shirt.

Once your bundle of joy arrives they will duly come and visit you. They will nod along as you recount the most amazing/easy/difficult/hilarious birth story.
They will regift you that snowsuit that ‘wasn’t quite right’ for their baby.

They’ll tell you how beautiful your baby is but will actually be thinking how lucky they were to have a pretty one. You won’t see them for a while because, to be honest, you’ve become a bit of a bore.

Congratulations, you’re having a baby and no one gives a shit.

 

This post was crafted especially for us! For more from the brilliant Me, Annie Bee click on the image or recent posts below! You won’t regret it. Probably.

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The Supermarket Incident… http://www.youhavetolaugh.com/the-supermarket-incident/ http://www.youhavetolaugh.com/the-supermarket-incident/#respond Tue, 10 Oct 2017 00:40:12 +0000 http://www.youhavetolaugh.com/?p=2956

To all those who have ever braved a supermarket with a toddler. *Salutes* We’ve generally done all our shopping online,

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To all those who have ever braved a supermarket with a toddler.
*Salutes*

We’ve generally done all our shopping online,
And up to a point it has suited us fine.

But for ACTUAL shopping there’s much to be said.
It’s nice to browse broccoli and fondle the bread.

With The Big One at playgroup my child count was one,
So I thought we could risk it?
You know… just for fun!?

So into a trolley The Small One was placed,
And he giggled as in through the car park we raced.

We would make a new game of our weekly-shop chores!
The store drew us in as we rolled through its doors.

On a Supermum mission to make this thing fun,
I pulled out a list and our game had begun!

Image shows a minion sat in a shopping trolley in a supermarket, pinching a banana with a cheeky smile.

Each item we sourced was considered a win,
As The Boy yelled at great volume “ME PUT IT INNNN!!!”

No things could be reached for from basket or shelf,
Without him demanding “ME DO IT MINESELF!!”

All products were snatched from my hands with sheer greed,
And launched into the trolley at hurtling speed!

My tiny dictator sat swinging his legs,
As I tried to distract him to sneak in some eggs.

When I slipped on what looked like a pool of shampoo.
Which some numpty had spilled and ignored? As you do!?

*tuts loudly and huffily grumbles to the boy about “smidiots” and “naughty shoppers“*

The shopping was mounting precariously,
When he boldly announced that he’d quite like a wee.

So I eyed up the trolley considering how,
Whilst the tiny loud human explained “Need wee NOW!

Speed seeking of toilets is one of life’s skills,
With my near-leaking toddler I shoved past the tills!

The deed was accomplished in less than a blink,
But he then took ten minutes to play in the sink.

Before scuttling back to the trolley we’d abandoned parked,
So more things could be launched and more orders be barked.

Back into his seat, we were all set to go…
But what was I slipping on?
Hang on…
… oh no! 🙈

The Boy with his launching of all of the stuff,
Had perhaps been a little excessively rough?

And the shampoo I’d blamed on a “smidiot” swine,
Had in fact been a cracked open bottle of mine!

We’d been leaving a soapy luxurious trail,
Like that of a huge Herbal Essences snail.

I cringed and returned to the scene of the crime,
Where a gaggle of staff had appeared by this time.

Who were now on their radio making a call:
“These blue paper towels are no use at all!”

So I shuffled across and I confessed his my guilt.
Relinquished the bottle from which it had spilt.

Apologies over, we retraced our route,
The Toddler now weary and fractious to boot.

As the cleaner appeared on a ride-on machine,
With around half the store now to have to get clean.

So he followed us loudly wherever we went,
Along with a soft soapy “cupuacu” scent.

The trolley was heavy.
The Toddler was bored.
A number of not-helpful tuts were ignored.

But I heaved through the shop like the new Hunger Trials.
Around all of those people that chat in the aisles.

*glares*
Smidiots.”

The checkout was reached having taken its toll.
I thus parted with cash and a chunk of my soul.

We’d bought what we needed.
We’d managed just fine.

…For the sake of the store though I’ll stick to online!

 

This brilliant rhyme was first published here. For more from the very, very lovely Dawn from Rhyming With Wine click on the image or recent posts below. Also don’t forget to check out Dawn’s new venture with our other good friend Gemma from ColleysWobbles at Wobbles & Rhyme – it’s going to be amazing!

Rhyming with Wine A parenting blog with a rhyming twist.

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Working From Home: Comfort Or Chaos?! http://www.youhavetolaugh.com/working-from-home/ http://www.youhavetolaugh.com/working-from-home/#respond Mon, 09 Oct 2017 22:01:24 +0000 http://www.youhavetolaugh.com/?p=2929

Whether it’s as a permanent arrangement, a day here and there or just a quick hour or so to get

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Whether it’s as a permanent arrangement, a day here and there or just a quick hour or so to get something finished off, most of us have probably worked from home at some point in our lives. Since having Joshua, the flexibility of being able to drop him off at nursery and then do a full day’s work at home rather than trekking all the way to London for a few hours and then all the way back again before he needs picking up has been really useful!

The big downside of working from home though is that it’s not the most comfortable of places, especially when it is littered with toys, toddler furniture that has been strewn across the place and the remains of fish fingers lovingly prepared, healthy, nutritious meals mushed into the chairs!

Comfort

Surprisingly not all furniture is designed to be hunched over for 9 straight hours whilst you tap away on the laptop either, so when I’m working at home I’m generally wandering around the house trying to find somewhere half comfortable to perch for a while.

SPOILER ALERT – there is nowhere comfortable in my house to sit and use a laptop for hours on end!

The sofa is fine for a while, until I realise I’ve been sitting at a slightly awkward angle and something starts to ache, or cramp up, or I can’t get up again without doing some kind of ungainly roll onto the floor! The dining room table is OK for a while, but our table is just a little bit too high for the chairs, so I end up with my wrists positioned in line with my neck as I type, so they start going cold and tingly pretty quickly! And the chairs are so old and saggy that my bum is almost touching the floor (as I type this!!). Not ideal!

If you’re only doing a few bits and bobs at home you might survive with what you’ve already got, but if you’re planning on making your home your main workplace it’s probably worth investing in some high-quality office chairs to give your back and your bum a bit of a break!

Storage

Then there’s storage space. If you’re a proper home worker you’re likely to need somewhere decent to stash your files and folders. Ideally somewhere that your small person can’t get into and hurl your paperwork everywhere! After all, it’s not ideal when your neatly arranged, date-ordered invoices and receipts are all thrown into the air, or put in the dishwasher. Or just binned!

Again, if you’re only planning on engaging in the occasional bit of laptop action at home you might just have to deal with the resulting chaos! But if you’re looking at setting up something properly for your home-based career it’s worth considering some proper ergonomic office furniture – after all, your toddler will make enough mess all on their own without you adding to it!

You might even consider going all out with your home working plans and either dedicate a room as your home office, or even build an extension so you can really have your own space so that it feels a bit like a proper office! Not that building an extension with a toddler is a stress-free experience in itself, but designing a room from scratch that you can call your own is pretty awesome! At least I assume it must be – unfortunately our extension is just one massive playroom full of plastic, talking toys and train sets at the moment…

Whatever you decide to do and however seriously you decide to treat working from home, best of luck with it!

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